We need to stop bullying in the workplace
Week 34 of 52 | Must be my confident competence. I'm tired of this. | 🤲 𝐈𝐧𝐬𝐢𝐝𝐞𝐫 𝐈𝐬𝐬𝐮𝐞
🤲 𝐈𝐧𝐬𝐢𝐝𝐞𝐫 𝐈𝐬𝐬𝐮𝐞 — THANK YOU for being one of my first paid subscribers. I will always be open to hearing from you, whether as a friend or writing supporter.
[Update, February 2022: I’ve now made this issue available for all readers. But hey, maybe you want to do a paid subscription to access my more personal writing!]
Saturday, 10:34 AM
Set automated response to workplace bullies:
I’ve been feeling angry. But that’s not a bad thing. See, my anger is a moral compass. It lets me know when things are off. And let me tell you, getting bullied in the workplace just feels off.
For the record, I believe that work can be an amazing place to learn, grow, and even make long-term friends. I don’t see why any place you punch-in, punch-out of shouldn’t be decent.
But in this quarantine especially, our workplaces have turned into laptops — for those of us with white collar jobs, that is. And we haven’t had the office, with all its quirks, as our backdrop and community. In the remote workplace, no one sees workplace bullying… or hears your scream.
Just like a fighter in MMA, there seems to be no shortage of takedown attempts by these workplace bullies. But for fuck’s sake, I will not be submitted. Cause I’ve been training for this my whole life.
Workplace bullies are everywhere. I’ve faced them time and time again, much to my dismay. These bullies are people who (evidently) haven’t yet received the benefits of effective management training, practice, and — let’s be real — therapy. You can chuckle if you like. That’s how I acknowledge truths, anyway. But golly, am I sick of being bullied by colleagues. More than once. Across fields.
Thing is, I know the workplace can be done so much better. I’ve been blessed (🙏) to have had great mentorship since the get-go. My first boss out of college was a guy named Stuart. He ran an energy conservation company in Newport Beach (but let’s be real, “strategically zoned Irvine”). I was an admin assistant. But despite the humble title, I got to hire and manage my own small team of really cool people who worked in our 5-person call center. And Stuart equipped me to be a great manager. Our whole team would have meetings where we’d discuss old school books like The One-Minute Manager and How to Make Friends and Influence People. On my own, I purchased Communication for Dummies. All these things helped. At first, I clipboard-implemented them, rigidly: “So what I heard you say is…”
I’ve been through so many workplaces by now, it’s quite bewildering. I’ve learned from all of em.
And 8 years after working as an admin and call center manager, I can say Stuart is still a mentor and friend. From the outside, he’s not an obvious match to me, a super liberal, Chinese-American immigrant who “hates capitalism” but works in advertising and likes designer clothes. Stuart is an alpha white guy in size L with a booming voice and golf clubs. I think he wore a cotton collared polo every single day, actually! The one day he wore a house t-shirt (picking up mail or some such), I was shocked. His current photo on LinkedIn is him holding up a huge bass on a fishing trip. He’s great, funny, and cares about all his employees! “Companies need to realize that people are their greatest asset,” he’d say.
And you bet I talked to him about all the details you’re gonna hear below.
Workplace bullies, I’m done with you.
No names are named. Some details are fictionalized. All bullying behaviors will be analyzed truthfully and honestly. Some people will be uncomfortable with this article. Good 4 them.
One more juicy deet, as it’s what you paid for, and what you deserve (truly, thanks!): I must note that all these workplace bullies were fellow people of color. That hurts. And I could speculate on the scarcity mindset (“This town ain’t big enough for the both of us”) that might’ve fueled this correlation, but I really don’t know why yet.
Any thoughts, share ‘em in the comments.
Once you get on top, they down you
— Snoop, on the opening track of R & G (Rhythm & Gangsta) (2004)
Exhibit A
Stat: First time manager
Industry: Do-Gooders
One good thing: At prior job, helped others to learn meditation and get into shape.
Behavior 1: Holds It Against You
I go through phases (read: whole life) where tardiness is a problem. And because we were in the Do-Gooder industry, I shared with Exhibit A why I’ve tended to be tardy.Instead of working with me to make things better, Exhibit A secretly jotted down my late arrivals on her desk calendar. This woman sat a mere 8 feet away from me. Once, she called me out in the open: “You got here at 9:07, 9:03, 9:12…” I was stunned.
Possible explanation: Exhibit A doubted her own performance [trust…], and needed to project that criticism onto someone else. Or felt her managerial role threatened and felt the need to sneer at me a few times to “put me in my place.” She didn’t trust or want to ask for help, and viewed competent help as a threat to her pecking order status.
Behavior 2: Stomps On Your Ideas
Anyone who’s worked with me knows that I am an infinite spring of creative ideas. This is my gold and MO. Brainstorm seshs are my favorite. And there’s a way to set ground rules for meetings so that everyone is heard and feels valued. Needless to say, Exhibit A did not know how to do this.
There was one meeting where our upcoming project was… in bad shape. Not enough resources had been allocated, planning was super late, and everyone knew who had dropped the ball. Exhibit A. Being a calm problem-solver, I offered up a suggestion: “How about a survey that targets what we’re looking for?” Exhibit A snapped. “This is NOT the time for surveys,” said muttered forcefully, not even making eye contact. “Wow,” a peer said after. “Exhibit A was really harsh on Annie.”Possible explanation: Exhibit A was stressed out of her mind, feeling shame, and I probably hit a nerve. Or who knows?! I’m not in her brain.
I attempted to call Exhibit A out on her behavior, by the way. During this private conversation, I said I’d felt hurt about her passive aggressiveness toward me. She said, “I’m sorry you feel that way.” Mmmhm. Things got better for maybe a week or two, but Exhibit A remained an Exhibit A.
I ain't got time for no haters, I lay 'em flat on they back
I'm from The Dogg Pound, homie, I don't fuck with them cats.
— “The Bidness”
Exhibit B
Stats: Said he operated the company’s entry-level training program before (😒)
Industry: Creative
One good thing: Was intelligent, initially great to talk to about ideas and culture
Behavior: “Operating Like an All-Around Severus Snape”
Exhibit B one hurts to think about, write about, everything. Especially for being my designated mentor, the way Exhibit B treated me was so toxic and strange that I had to tell HR, whom I trusted, and even the CEO, who listened well.
Exhibit B started off decently nice to me, and I enjoyed speaking with him about pop culture and shared elements of our background. But he turned. And I don’t know why, and perhaps that is most disturbing.
I. It’s a mummy, dummy.
During one Zoom presentation, I was excitedly describing the images I’d selected for my slide. During feedback, a second mentor I’ll call "Exhibit C” (also a fellow BIPOC 🤯), accused me of using an offensive phrase while presenting. In front of everyone else — around least 20 people. Let’s say I had said “mummy,” and they heard “dummy” (and “dummy” were racist). Thing is, if Exhibit C had even looked at the slide, she would’ve seen it was a mummy and not dummy. But no. She doubled-down.And instead of defending me or asking what happened, Exhibit B (my mentor) gleefully chimed in (again, publicly), “Oh yeah, Exhibit C and I were sidebar-ing about that. I heard ‘dummy’ too.” So they were both basically admitting that they hadn’t been paying attention, and were in fact gossiping. What sort of example is that, in any circumstance?
I was extremely upset. At work, I make efforts to have my language respectful and courteous to all — here, I go off, because we’re friends. I wrote Exhibit C to say I was upset she’d called me out for her own mistake. She wrote back most passive-aggresively, gaslighting: “Maybe you should consider why you thought I was calling you racist. When I wasn’t. I suggest you loop in your mentor, who is, I presume, Exhibit B.”
May I add, this person’s LinkedIn says they are the “friendliest [creative accountant] in town.” (buzzer sound) Wrong answer.
II. Passive-aggro power playsExhibit B’s mentorship withered over time, and I still don’t know why. For context, this is someone who on day one, told me he was my “day-to-day contact.”
Instead, he would do little power plays, like changing the time of our set weekly meeting every time. An hour or two before.
To my dismay, he’d shoot me down whenever I asked to brainstorm or get a second opinion. His exact words, nearly: “Stop asking me questions. I am not here to come up with ideas with you. I reiterate, I am a mentor only to you.” Yup.
III. Parting is such sweet sorrow — NOT
My last conversation with him, I misread some of his statements as attempting to be friendly to me, finally. You know, the way you might be nice to someone on the last day of a job. So I asked him a very general personal question. He flipped out.His irises became cold and unfathomable. Nearly still. (fictionalized:) “When’s the last time I went on a date?! Went on a date?! You want to know if I went on a date?! How dare you. I am here in a mentor role— I don’t understand why you’re so fascinated about my PRIVATE LIFE.” Then, he rehashed his critiques and “concerns” about the aforementioned meeting, which was months ago by now. It was sheer madness, obviously stemming from some sort of deep hurt, but way out of line professionally.
So that was that.
Exhibit B, if you’re reading this, I need you to look in the mirror. Really. Look into one. Walk to the bathroom if you need to. Okay. You’re there?Keep looking in the mirror. Now take a deep breath. Inhale. 1… 2… 3… 4.
Hold.
Exhale. 1… 2… 3… 4. Again. Inhale.
Make sure you’re looking into the depths of your own eyes. See em? Locked in? Ask yourself: Would I want to be treated that way? No? Is that a ‘noooo’? Ooh. Okay, Exhibit B. Then maybe you should treat yourself kinder first.
Or. You know. Keep bein’ a sad sack Snape. 😉
“Karma’s not a bitch, it’s a mirror.”
— Dustin Poirier, following his win in UFC 264 against Conor McGregor
Thanks for all my friends who’ve listened to some version of the above, and who have supported me in getting these words out. This is the newsletter I am MOST pleased with at this point.
*
Until next time, here’s a link from NPR on how to help Afghani refugees. 🇦🇫 (I saw it on another writer, Emily Kirkpatrick’s [really good!] newsletter.)